My Story of Incest by Patricia Singleton

I haven't shared this part of my story of incest as much as I have the issues concerning my dad being one of my abusers. The sexual abuse by my uncle was only three days total. My dad kept me as an incest victim for six years.
Those six years of abuse from my dad had the greater degree of effects just because I was being sexually abused by my dad who should have been protecting me rather than betraying me physically, emotionally and sexually.

On the other hand, the three days of sexual abuse by my uncle were my first memories of incest happening to me. I don't know if I was a virgin or not when my uncle sexually abused me. Looking back into those memories, I don't see any blood but then my 11-year-old mind may have blocked out the blood from my memories. I can see everything else but I still don't have the feelings to go with those three days of memories. I can feel my anger as an adult looking back at the child that I was but I don't remember the feelings of that little girl and at 11 years old, I was part little girl, just on the thresh hold of becoming a woman. My periods didn't start for several more months. My breasts had not started to develop just yet. My body was still that of a little girl.

My uncle came to visit my family one evening and asked my mother if I could go fishing with him the next day. I wasn't asked by either adult if I wanted to go fishing. This was never one of my favorite uncles. He was probably an alcoholic. I know that I always felt strange around him, not quite trusting of him, without knowing why. I didn't want to go fishing just him and me but I wasn't asked. I was not given choices as a child. I was simply told what to do by most of the adults in my life.

What followed was a day spent in the back seat of my uncle's car, just him and me. We were in a secluded spot at the end of a road that did actually end at the creek bank. Fishing poles were never used that day. I don't even know if he had any in the trunk of his car. I never saw them. I was told to take off my shorts and panties. I was not given a choice in anything that happened to me as a child. I was taught to be a victim at an early age.

I won't describe the physical pain and the emotional horror that I experienced that day in my uncle's car. To get away from the physical pain, I learned to shut my eyes and go inside away from the sights and feelings of pain. I believe this is probably the point in sexual abuse that some children split into other personalities in order to deal with their pain. I shut my eyes but couldn't shut out the sounds. I was too afraid to shut out the sounds because someone might drive down the road we were on and find us. I went on supervigilence with my ears since my eyes were closed. Even today with all of the work that I have done on myself, I can't seem to get close enough in my mind to see all of what happened that day and I am okay with that.

Until I was in my 40's, I thought that time in the back seat of my uncle's car was my first time of being raped as a child. It wasn't. I don't have the memories of being sexually abused before the age of 11, but I have several clues. Around 1990, I was asked to be a guest speaker at an Alano Club (a 12-Step meeting place) 10th Anniversary meeting. I had never shared my story except as bits and pieces before that so I tape recorded the talk that I gave. The third time that I listened to the tape, I heard myself talk about being three years old and labeling myself as an adulteress in church where I was sitting with my grandmother. The Assembly of God preacher was talking about the sin of adultery and how you were going to Hell unless you asked God for forgiveness. As a three-year-old, I understood that adultery was sex with a married person. My three-year-old self labeled me as an adulteress that day. The memory was there pushed to the back of my mind until I said it out loud in my speech about incest and alcoholism.

My uncle asked my mother if I could go home with him to visit my grandmother for the week. She said yes. When we got to my grandmother's house, she wasn't there. She didn't come home until sometime on Monday. I was raped a number of times over the weekend when we were there by ourselves. My little girl's body has never experienced the kind of soreness that I felt for that weekend of sex with a 50+ year old man. I survived.

Several weeks later my dad decided that I was old enough to start helping out at the dairy barn that he worked in as a second job every morning and every evening. My mom worked during the week days with him and I worked on Saturdays and Sundays for the year or so that he had that job. I remember the horror and disgust that I felt at his betrayal when he took me up into the loft of the hay barn that first night and in the dark, he also raped me, just like my uncle had done. I remember the feeling of digust that my own dad would do that to me. I knew that each Saturday and Sunday morning and evening, I could look forward to being raped after I finished washing up the milking machines and my dad finished cleaning up the barn. I know that went on for at least a year before we moved and he went on to other jobs. The rapes by my dad mostly happened away from home in the front seat of his truck. I was raped at least once or twice a week, sometimes more for the next six years until I was 17.

The sexual abuse stopped when I was 17 because I was finally tired enough from living with the constant stress and fear that if my dad had not accepted my no's then I would have told someone about the incest. I was so tired and I was only 17. The sexual abuse stopped but the pressure and the emotional abuse did not stop until I ran away at age 19 after taking my last test for the semester at the small junior college that I attended my first two years of college.

You may ask how could these rapes happen to that little girl? How did no one see? Why did no one stop them from happening? Why didn't the little girl tell? Well here are just some of the reasons that it was allowed to happen:

1. I grew up in the 1950's and 1960's in the South in the U. S. In some families, children were still thought of as the property of their parents. My dad was a dictator who made all of the decisions in our family. The only time my mom made a decision was when my dad wasn't around and many times, she would still wait until my dad got home to make the decisions. That is why I was so surprised that she let me go any where with my uncle.

2. I was taught to do what I was told by all adults. They had full authority over me. I learned to do as I was told and to be quiet and not draw attention to myself in any way.

3. Early on, I was taught to protect my mom and her feelings. I was taught that women were weaker than men. Men were in control.

4. I was taught that little girls had to be nice at all times. Being nice meant doing what you were told and not arguing. Good little girls weren't allowed to get angry either.

5. Other people's feelings were more important than mine, especially if they were adults. I couldn't say no to my uncle or my dad because it might hurt their feelings. My feelings were of no value to anyone so they became unimportant to me.

6. Being strong meant being silent throughout the pain of the rapes.

7. Good girls didn't have sex except with their husbands after they were married.

All of these messages became my issues that had to be acknowledged and dealt with when I finally started to heal as a 38-year-old. Before I could let go of any of this garbage from my childhood, I had to see them as the lies that the adults in my life taught me when I was a child. For more of my story, especially what I learned as I grew and healed from incest, you will need to visit my blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker at the following link:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/

16 comments:

  1. Thank you for this opportunity to share part of my story with a new group of survivors. I am honored to be here. Thank you for the work that this group does to help survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

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  2. Wow Patricia, You did what you had to do to survive, as we all did, That poor little girl had to go through so much just to survive, and endure the torture, and rape all those years. I could see myself here too and all the reasons that you posted, yes I too lived in that era, and did what I was told etc. thank you for sharing this sad story of abuse and incest, as I know all too well what we had to go through..love you dear friend...

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  3. I too am a survivor of incest by my own father. It has devastated me to the point of self-hatred and the inability to succeed in relationships. The healing journey for me is a day to day lifelong venture. I thank you for being a survivor and for sharing your voice. People need to know that childhood sexual abuse is not a secret!

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  4. Mary, Thank you for your words, love and support. You are very welcome.

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    1. Patricia,I Can tell you that though I have myself done incest BUT CONSENSUAL INCEST with one of my sister,I am very sorry for you,for what THESE MONSTERS have done to you and it's great for having been able to survive after these forced incest.You must have gone through hell and you deserve the highest respect.As I told you,my incest with my sister was consensual when we were both adults and we loved each other like husband and wife.Incest or not,I shall never understand how adults can force little girls to have sex.

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  5. Keisha, I am sorry that you too know my pain. My healing started when I learned to love myself. It is time for the secrets of child sexual abuse to end. If you will go to my blog by using the link at the end of my post and do a search for Resources and it will take you to the list of books that helped me with my healing. One of the first ones on the list is what I used to stop the self-hatred by learning to love myself. I wish you well in your healing journey.

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  6. Today I posted an article on my blog with a link back to this post. Here is the link:

    http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-story-of-incest-on.html

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  7. Pat thank you for your honesty. I am also a survivor of incest from my older brother. Still healing this part of my journey. Safe hugs to you.

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  8. What is it that made it okay for uncles, grandfathers and fathers to molest their family members? I was born in 1958 and was molested, just once, by an uncle at the age of 9. All the criteria that you mentioned above about how you were brought up fits me too.

    Can we ever get the society to wake up and speak up?

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  9. I remember reading this before and feeling sick at the child's experience, so similar to my own and I'm sure to many of us reading this. What makes this post powerful is the REASONS this kind of thing happens: those reasons are the reasons it happened to me too...and probably so many of us. Sadly, though it all happened in bygone days, i don't think much has changed. Fathers and uncles are still getting away with this for the same REASONS. That's why it's so critically important for all of us who have been subjected to incest COME OUT FROM UNDER

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  10. Skyangel5402, Yes,we can get society to wake up by sharing our stories and by refusing to be quiet any longer about child sexual abuse. I believe that totally. It is why I share my story here, on my blog, on radio programs, on my Facebook page and on Twitter. The more we speak up and break the silence of abuse, the more people become aware and wake up to the children in their own lives that may be being abused. I am sorry that you share a similar history to mine. We can stop it from happening to the next generations of children.

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  11. Cruiseroo, what you said is so true. Up to this point in time, not much has changed but now that survivors are speaking out in greater and greater numbers, we will make the necessary changes to protect our children. We have too. We can't continue to turn a blind eye to this epidemic which has been going on for too long around the world. We can become better than those in the past who didn't want to see the child abuse in their own families or in the families of neighbors. It is our responsibility as adults to protect all the children of the world. We can say no to child abuse in all of its ugly forms.

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    1. As an incest survivor and as the mother of two adults who are unharmed by knowing the truth, I know the value of including incest issues in children's education. It is my experience that people who were never victimized by this Satanic crime are not actually against incest. They are only against anyone talking about it. And since the perpetrators also are against anyone talking about it, they'll side with the perpetrator against the victim every time. Surely there are enough of us to take them on!

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  12. I am also a survivor at the hands of my brother. Thank you for your strength and encouragement.
    I just want to add, although you were a child of the 50's-60's, this is sadly as old as time. My abuse happened in the 80's and 90's...nothing has changed before or since.
    soulsnatching.wordpress.com

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  13. See that's why when I blog about male female relationships, I always tell mothers to keep their eyes wide open when it comes to their daughters. Generally speaking, most men are sexual beings and some of them allow the sexual urge to over ride all decency and rules. Fathers do get turned on by their daughters just like any other female he sees. All that hugging and touching that the general public think is okay, is absolutely wrong!!!
    A father should not be spending alone time with his daughter or any other little girl. Why are wives so stupid and blind? I guess because they think their men are perfect.

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